It’s been one of those months… okay years. Where every moment of every day is filled with the busyness of life. Where my To Do List never seems to diminish, but is multiplied. And I’m just trying to get through one day at a time.
Planning a trip for 20+ people to travel across the world for twelve days isn’t easy. I don’t know if you’ve ever done it before, but trust me when I say that it could be a full-time job. It is a joy, but it is also really hard.
Sitting at home at the end of the day, just needing one moment of silence before the next whirlwind of a day begins, I wonder if what I did that day had any significance whatsoever, and I long for a simpler life. A life where I am not so caught up in the meaningless that I forget the meaningful. A life of perspective.
Then He whispers.
Yes, making that fourth phone call to the travel agent this week will be worth it, because it means that one more person will be able to leave a little piece of their heart and, most importantly, Me with the people of South Africa. Yes, babysitting those kids was worth it, because you got to just laugh for the first time in days. Yes, hand washing all of those dishes because your dish washer is broken was worth it, because one day, all you may have is a dirty bucket and a bar of soap, and you’ll laugh thinking about how hard you thought it was back then.
And my heart swells and my eyes begin to water because I am so blessed. He has given perspective in this moment. He has given grace.
I don’t know why He gave me this heart that aches for the fatherless and the forgotten. I can list a thousand reasons why He shouldn’t have chosen me. I can list dozens of people I know who would be better at this. Better at juggling. Better at loving.
Yet in His grace, He reminds me of Moses. The scared stutterer who had such a passion for his people that he killed for them but, when told that he was the one God chose to deliver them, still doubted.
Who am I that I should go?
What if they don’t believe?
I am not eloquent.
I am slow of speech and tongue.
Please send someone else…
I don’t have this Christian life perfected. If you’ve read just one of my blogs, you know that. But even in the tiniest doubts, my all-sufficient Father knows just how to give me the new perspective that I need.
I stand in awe that I AM has given me this heart. His heart. I may still get bogged down in the meaningless. I may long for the simple life. I may fight and struggle and try to reason or argue my way out of His calling because I’m scared and insecure and the enemy is constantly whispering that I’m never going to be good enough, but He holds tight to His daughter, all the while reminding me that He is I AM.
He is the One who made the stutterer a public speaker, the old woman a mother, the prostitute an ancestor of the Messiah, the adulterer a man after His own heart, the persecutor a preacher, and the hard-working woman distracted by the work, a worshipper. Surely He can use me.
“The LORD said to him, ‘Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.’” Exodus 4:11-12
“As Jesus and His disciples were on their way, He came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to Him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what He said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, ‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!’ ‘Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘You are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42
I will choose worship.