Decisions, Decisions

Life is marked by millions of decisions. Small ones like where to eat dinner, what to wear, who to call, and when to leave. I’ve never had much trouble with these kinds of decisions. 99% of the time, I know what I want. I may not verbalize it, because I want someone else to choose instead, but I know what I’m leaning towards.

And then there are the big ones.

Until a few years ago, I didn’t have much trouble with the big decisions, either. God gently closed doors that I had tried to pry open, and guided me in the right direction, all the while showering me with His peace. But lately, these decisions haven’t been so easy.

As a child, I lived with abandon. I climbed higher and ran farther than I should have. I was a wild child nicknamed “Hurricane Hayley”, who knew who she was, what she wanted, and wouldn’t let anyone change her mind.

In a sense, I am still that child. Discernment and wisdom are my spiritual gifts. I am not easily swayed. And yet I’ve found that I’ve become too cautious. I am a bit more hesitant to jump when He says jump. I find myself wondering. I find myself fearful and wanting to give up at the slightest speed bump in the road.

I tell Him it’s too hard. Too scary. Too uncomfortable. Too unclear.

And I know. I know He is with me. He is before me and behind me. I know He will protect me, no matter what decision He places in front of me. But in the back of my mind I tell myself that I’m not good enough. I am not ready.

But that is just where He wants me.

He asks much of me, because He wants me to know that it is not me. I’m right. I cannot do it. I cannot go that place or do that thing He is asking. I am not good enough to do it on my own.

But He is.

He is good enough to equip me. He is good enough to open doors and close them. He is good enough to go with me wherever He sends me. He is good enough to allow me to join Him in His kingdom work, no matter how pitiful I am.

“If you had felt yourself sufficient it would have been proof that you are not.” – Aslan

And He is good enough to remind me of that.

Do not forget in the darkness what He has shown you in the light.

It happens too easily.

May I be a willing vessel, sitting on the edge of my seat in anticipation for when He says “jump”.

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